1.  Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.

2.  Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.

3.  Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

I recently read this quote Douglas Adams in his book The Salmon of Doubt.  I thought I was immune to these rule until I started considering how silly the idea of reading a book on something like a Kindle might be.  I love gadgets, but give me a paper book any day.

Now, I want you to understand something. This is not a Top Ten List. I hate, I hate those stupid Top Ten Lists. I really do. Letterman and his Top Ten Lists are just so banal. But, it turns out I got 10. I don’t know why I got 10, but I got 10. Now what these are the stupidest things in movies that they keep doing over and over again. And they just rank me. I get crazed when I see them. And they probably seem inconsequential to you, but they are the same kind of small inconsequentials that every time you see one of yours in a movie you want to jump up and tear the throat out of the stupid director or the ah, ah, the s screen writer who didn’t understand it.

The first one is the mis-pronunciation of the word “Neanderthal”. The word, folks, is not “Neanderttthhhal”, it’s not “Neanderttthhhal” at all. It’s “NeanderTALL”. Take a movie like Iceman. Great, great Science Fiction movie. And here are these, here are these anthropologists who have discovered a primitive man frozen in the ice. And these are scientists and these are people who work with anthropology and they pull him out and they keep pronouncing it, “Neanderttthhhall”. No, that’s wrong. That’s the first one.

The second one is the phrase, “I could care less”. No, you moron, “I could care less” means you could care more. There’s a reason the phrase is “I couldn’t care less”. That is the outer extreme of your caring. You couldn’t care anymore than that. To reverse it may sound clever to somebody, but it is boneheaded and I urge you, next time you see it in a movie hoot and holler and scream.

This one is my wife’s favorite. The guy calls at 3 O’Clock in the morning. The private detective is wakened up. He picks up the telephone. The guy says,

“I have the information you wanted. I can tell you who the murderer is”.

“Well, tell me”.

“No, no. Not now, not over the phone. Meet me in the warehouse at 4:15.”

Now, if the private detective had the brains of a centipede he would say, “No way, Jack! I’m in bed, I’m down for the night. I’m not getting up, getting all dressed, going out in the rain to go to some stupid warehouse at 4:15 in the morning, because when I get there you’ll be dead!” Let me tell you something. Anybody can talk on a telephone at anytime. When they do, you must understand that it is a bad director, bad producer, bad writer’s idea of how to build suspense. Instead of just doing the conversation they always make you go somewhere else, where you know the informant will be found - CRRRRCH! - dead. Ok, that’s that one.

Now let me see, oh yes, I love this one. The name is not… of Robert Louis Stevenson’s villain is not “Dr. Jeck-yll”. It’s “Dr. JAKE-yll”. “JAKE-yll”, “Dr. JAKE-yll and Mr. Hyde” or “Mr. JAKE-yll and Dr. Hyde,” whichever you want, but it’s not Jeck-yll, it’s “JAKE-yll”
Now, let’s see what else have I got here… oh, I love this one. Guy says to him, “You gonna walk away from me just like that?” The other one goes, “Just like that”. If I hear “Just like that” one more time I will put my fingers in the nose of the speaker and yank it off his face. Ok?

The next one is, uh, leaving the lights on. Now, explain this to me. Explain what director thought this was clever. The car pulls up in the camera, right into the head of the shot. It’s late at night and the lights are on. The guy gets out of the car, leaves the lights on, discovers the body, goes into the house, does whatever he’s gonna do, and leaves the lights on! No. You leave your lights on, your battery runs down and when you have to escape from the Blob monster you ain’t gonna be able to start your car. Therefore, you don’t leave the lights on. An adjunct to this is, and I just saw this the other night on a new cop show called High Incident. David Keith pulls up in front of his house, in Los Angeles, the window is open and his arm is sticking out when he pulls up. He pulls up, leaves the door unlocked, leaves the window down and he goes into his house. He picks up his kid and he goes into his house. Apparently, he’s in for the night. Now, I don’t know where you live, Keokuk or maybe East We-Wah Wisconsin, you can leave your car open on the street all night, but in Los Angeles; you do that, what you’re going to find in the morning is an empty driveway. This is just stupid film making.

What else have I got here? Oh yeah. The one… somebody’s in the shower and the shower is running and somebody talks to them from the next room and they answer them like they can hear them. Try it folks. You can not hear anything when you are in the shower. You can’t hear what someone is saying, maybe you can hear a voice, but you can not make out what they are saying.
The last one for you, and this is a beauty because most of you do it too. It is wrong to say, “Have your cake and eat it too”. Oh, that’s real easy. Here is my cake. I have it. I have eaten it too. What you can not do is eat your cake and have it too. Would you get it right? Would you get it right?

Thank you. Thank you for your kind attention.

From Sci-Fi Buzz, episode 139
Publishing Rights to ‘Harlan Ellison’s Watching’ copyright 1996 the Killimanjaro Corporation.

Well, as they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Sparks flew when the staff at the Alliance office heard that Santa would be visiting the other two offices but not theirs. I tried to point out that the Alliance office lobby is simply too small to host an event, but my arguments were rejected. So I was forced to accept the truth…that I would be spending the holiday season as the villain…

How Tod Stole Santa Claus

Every person in Alliance liked Santa a lot,
But Tod, who’s from Alliance, did NOT!
He sat in his office with a sour, Tod frown,
Plotting revenge on ol’ Carnation Town.

“I need a good plan,” he snarled with a sneer,
“Five weeks until Christmas! It’s practically here!”
He plotted a way in his dark, twisted mind,
For Santa to somehow leave Alliance behind.

St. Nick would travel as he does every season,
But would somehow forget from Beech Street to Beeson.
“I’ve got it,” Tod snarled in his dark office space,
“Christmas, for Alliance, will never take place!”

Tod hacked the computer and removed their addresses,
He deleted Alliance from all GPS’s
He shut off the power so St. Nick couldn’t see,
One candle, one bulb or one Christmas tree.

So with whips a-crackin’ and reindeer a-pantin’
Santa flew over Alliance and went straight to Canton.
Children cried in the streets, people stormed the town hall
Christmas, for Alliance, didn’t happen at all!

The people exclaimed, “You’ve shattered our dream,
“Remember, dear Tod, that we’re on the same team.”
“Was it something we did?” they asked with despair,
“You took away Santa! That just wasn’t fair!”

“It’s not about toys or fresh pine scents,
It’s not about cookies or gumdrops or presents.
We’re just asking one day in cold late December,
That Santa could visit good credit union members.”

And what happened then? Well…in Alliance they say,
That Tod’s prunish heart grew three sizes that day!
“I’m sorry my friends,” Tod said with a cheer.
“I’ll do what I can to bring Santa next year.”

DOS games: http://dosdose.com
8-bit Nintendo games: http://nintendo8.com/
Commodore 64 games: http://c64s.com/
4-bit Gameboy games: http://gbemul.com/
Sega Master System games: http://mastersystem8.com/
Apple II games: http://www.virtualapple.org/

I was never in any delusion that the pendulum of American public opinion would stay swung to the Right indefinately, nor did it deserve to.  Neither should my jubilant Democrat friends believe that they won’t see a Republican majority again in the future.  Despite his campaign promises, Obama is going to have a tough time pleasing all of the people all of the time.  Remember, the majority of Americans used to think George W. Bush was a swell guy too.

1. Better Parking.  You’ll never hear anyone say, “Okay, remember everyone…we’re in zone E on parking deck level 5.”  That’s after you dished out $10 for a parking pass.

2. Every seat is a courtside seat.  You don’t have to be Spike Lee or Jack Nicholson to get good seating.

3. Cheaper seats…and snacks.  Most games are free and you’ll never pay $5 for a hot dog at a 5th grade game.

4. No worries about players on steroids.  Those girls are good because they’re good.

5. More exciting scores.  At a 5th grade game, the score rarely tops 30 points making each basket much more exciting.

6. No worries about teams and players moving to another city.  You pretty much know that little Abigail isn’t going to be sold to Seattle.

7. No getting hit with t-shirts.  Does anyone else have a fear of being hit with a t-shirt gun?

8. Names are easier to pronounce. – Instead of names like Yao Ming, Didier Ilunga-Mbenga and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, you have Megan, Katie and Ashley.

9. Sober fans.  You know you’re not going to get splashed with beer when your team makes it at the buzzer.

10. The players actually have fun!

J.J. Abrams is no Trekkie.

The director and producer of the new “Star Trek” film, due in 2009, said he was always more of a “Star Wars” guy.

“All my smart friends liked ‘Star Trek.’ I preferred a more visceral experience,” he tells Entertainment Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands Friday. Abrams took on the “Star Trek” project in hopes of creating a film “that grabbed me the way ‘Star Wars’ did,” he says.

He was also drawn to the franchise’s idealism, he says.

“I think a movie that shows people of various races working together and surviving hundreds of years from now is not a bad message to put out right now,” he says. “In a world where a movie as incredibly produced as ‘The Dark Knight’ is raking in gazillions of dollars, ‘Star Trek’ stands in stark contrast. It was important to me that optimism be cool again.”

“My only regret is that the movie can’t come out sooner,” says Leonard Nimoy, who will don his pointy ears to play an elder Spock. “I think the world could use it.”

The younger Spock, played by Zachary Quinto, says “Star Trek” is a franchise “that offers hope for unity.”

But don’t expect any unity with William Shatner. The actor won’t make a cameo as Capt. Kirk, Abrams says.

“I was such a huge fan of his, but we wrote a scene for him in the movie and it didn’t feel right,” Abrams says. “And he said to us — he said publicly — that doing a cameo didn’t interest him. Which I totally appreciate. But we did try.”

Source

View the fuzzy trainer here.

As a Star Wars fan, I somehow feel betrayed by this “movie” release. Star Wars movies aren’t supposed to be like this. What happened to the years of anticipation? Where is the media circus showing lines of costumed fans having plastic light saber battles? What happen to the forums filled of wild rumors based on 30-second trailers? I feel like my best friend planned a party and forgot to invite me, or at best sent me a last minute invitation scrawled on a cocktail napkin.

The story takes place between the second and third prequel, what Morgan Webb calls one of the “tweenegy eras.” Obi-Wan and Anakin must save Jabba the Hutt’s son, named Rotta the Huttlet. The very idea that Jabba the Hutt has a son brings terrifying images to my mind regarding Hutt procreation. I just don’t want to know.

The Clone Wars is all done with computer animation…pretty much like the last three prequels. It grows out of what was originally daily five-minute cartoons on the Cartoon Network. The stories weren’t bad and the animation was done by the same folks who brought us Samurai Jack. I couldn’t resist tuning in to watch the next little chapter. I was delighted when they were released in their entirety on DVD. Most of the voice actor are not the originals, but are close, if not better…I’m looking at you, Hayden.  But I also had the feeling I was not the target audience for this branch of the monstrous Star Wars franchise.  It all seemed dummied down, and for Star Wars that’s saying a lot.  I was forced to face that fact that George Lucas no longer loves me like he did in 1977.  He loves my children now.

Am I going? Sure. Partially because I’m curious, but mostly because the kids would never forgive me if I said no. But even they weren’t that excited. We walked by The Clone Wars display at Toys R Us without much fuss. (Did that rhyme?) I’m sure this would frustrate the LucasArts marketing team since I suspect The Clone Wars is all about selling toys.

Anyway, I’ll let you know what I think. Maybe I’ll see you there. I’ll be the guy taking the coats.

I will take Him as my own
Not as I have learned
But as He makes known
My heart sank down
When it turned to stone
Show me the way.

He sees all
I am blind
He leads on
I walk behind

Now my heart was incomplete
I tried it alone
I suffered defeat
My life is yours
It is at your feet
Show me the way.